From the daily archives: Saturday, March 10, 2012
It’s just not the same – #DatingTips #10
By admin On March 10, 2012 · Leave a Comment · In Dating diaries, Dating Tips, Social Dating, Social Networking
#DatingTips #10″ data-count=”horizontal”> Meeting at your favourite coffee shop is not the same as living under one roof. The first year ofmarriage is when you make headway from fascination and lust to confronting differences that seemed unimportant or non-existent when you were dating.At the same [...]
Meeting at your favourite coffee shop is not the same as living under one roof. The first year ofmarriage is when you make headway from fascination and lust to confronting differences that seemed unimportant or non-existent when you were dating.At the same time, the early years require some radical personal adjustment, which might be stressful for the relationship. “If the couple is not ready for real life and continues to dwell on reel life, fights begin,” says psychiatrist Dr Harish Shetty.
In most cases, couples who’ve been dating with the idea of getting married tend to forget the heavy rock of responsibility that’s soon to hit their lives. “Dating is the plain-sailing phase compared to marriage,” says clinical psychologist Dr Seema Hingorrany. “This does not mean that marriage is not rewarding as an institution, but couples enraptured by the aura of dating may resent the alterations that marriage brings forth, eventuating in turbulence and bitterness in their bond,” she adds. Hanging on and learning the art of negotiation will help you weather the stormy period.
Handle with care
- Talk through situations rather than bottling up or accusing each other. While doing this, avoid getting defensive. Don’t let the bitterness spoil your communication. Address the issue calmly and resolve your arguments with logic and reason.
- We are all unique and wired differently; naturally, we all have flaws. Wisdom is accepting these flaws and appreciating the positive qualities your spouse has.
- Empathy is important in marriage. Empathy isn’t the same as sympathy. It means being able to put yourself in another’s position, to feel what they feel and see what they see. And it means you do all that even though you may disagree with a partner’s perception, opinions or feelings. Take a few minutes a day, to empathise with the stresses and strains you are experiencing in other areas of your life.
- Respect your spouse. Make sure you don’t take each other for granted.
- Keep in touch with close friends and relatives – your emotional buffers.
Let’s face it
Defining roles
When you decide to tie the knot, you might assume your partner to take up certain roles (i.e. breadwinner, bill payer, house cleaner, etc) and when he/she fails to live up to your expectations, the blame game starts.
Your way out: Instead of being idealistic, review and negotiate domestic roles. Discuss your expectations and focus on how you can help.
Money matters
Varying salaries, spending habits and attitudes makes money one of the top reasons couples argue. Often, one person is a saver and the other is a free spender. This can lead to a great deal of stress when you’re already fairly tight on finances.
Your way out: Define your values. What do you both prefer to spend money on the most (vacations, entertainment, spirituality, etc)? Once you lay that out on the table, you can figure out how to budget your money.
In-laws
Parents often have a difficult time when they are marrying off their son or daughter, and sometimes try to stay connected in ways that can disrupt the marriage.
Your way out: Decide among yourselves how much parental input you want. Respect each other’s priorities and set boundaries with your parents.
Recreation time
While dating, it was okay to watch football or cricket all day and shopping seemed to be a great way to spend the day together. But after you are joined in wedlock, the way you two spend time together can be a source of conflict.
Your way out: Focus on appreciating the things that your spouse loves. Even if you’re stuck doing a ‘not-that-fun’ activity, focus on spending time together, not on the activity itself.
Read these signs to know if your relationship is under stress:
- Most of the arguments turn into ugly fights.
- Communication is missing.
- Sex life is deteriorating.
- You hardly spend quality time with each other.
- You both spend more time on the Internet and phone or with friends.
- You constantly regret your marriage.
#DatingTip #9″ data-count=”horizontal”>
Who says emotional unavailability is a prize reserved for men? Both sexes hold equal fort when it comes to being insecure, reserved and out of sync with how they feel.
Those who exhibit traits of emotional bankruptcy are often oblivious to the fact that they [...]
Who says emotional unavailability is a prize reserved for men? Both sexes hold equal fort when it comes to being insecure, reserved and out of sync with how they feel.
Those who exhibit traits of emotional bankruptcy are often oblivious to the fact that they come across rude and lacking empathy. This is also the perfect combination to sabotage relationships. Whether it’s a defence mechanism or something your childhood environment bred into you; it’s definitely something that could use a little working on if you would like to be in a successful, caring relationship. Take this quiz to see how you fare on the coldquotient.
1 You have strong, sincere feelings for this new person you’ve just started dating. When do you tell them?
A Never. Are you crazy?
B Maybe when I get a sense of strong their feelings are… I might.
C I usually say it the minute I feel it. Where’s the sense in holding back?
2 When it comes to relationships, you tend to …
A Avoid them as far as possible. Who needs the additional suffocation?
B Like to take my time before I get into one.
C I wear my heart on my sleeve so I’ve seen my share of heartbreak.
3 You’ve been dating your part ner for over three months. This is how you introduce him/her to your friends …
A This is my latest conquest. Meet xyz.
B This is my friend xyz, we met through common friends.
C This is my fiance, he/she just doesn’t know it yet.
4 Your new girlfriend/boyfriend tells you they want to introduce you to their parents. You …
A Say okay and flee the scene, never to answer their calls again.
B Agree to meet them in a very casual environment, if at all.
C I can’t wait to meet the family.
5 Your best friend is going through a break up. You …
A Can just about tolerate their pathetic rant. You feel sorry for them but it’s not like they’re the first one to ever go through heart break.
B Try and be as supportive as possible, but only until it doesn’t terribly inconvenience you.
C Are there by their side still they emerge from their slump. That’s what friends are for.
6 How prepared are you for mar riage?
A It’s not something I foresee in my future. Restricting my self to one person is a stifling thought.
B It’s there in the back of my mind. I suppose when the right person comes along, it’ll make sense.
C I’ve been ready for a long time.
7 After six months of dating, your partner says “I love you” for the first time. You say …
A Aww. Bill please.
B I love you too.
C I said it before he/she did.
Your score
Based on your attitude towards relationship s you are likely to be…
Mostly A’s: Ice-King/Queen
You are utterly broke. You must find a bail out option. You are closed off and mortally afraid of intimacy. You refrain from letting anyone come close. In the process, those who dare are hurt by your heartless ways. Introspect on why you are tightly wound. Seek professional help or ask your circle of friends to help rebuild your sense of trust.
Mostly B’s: Warmly yours
You aren’t a cold cucumber but you are wary of where you invest your emotions. You border on being cautious and occasionally might seem emotional unavailable. Let go. Enjoy the pleasure of meeting new people and let in those you find interesting. Give them a chance to get to know you, even if at the cost of a heartbreak once in a while.
Mostly C’s: Fuddy Duddy
You are as emotionally accessible as can possibly be. Your worry shouldn’t be how little you emote but how much. You are very transparent with your emotions. You run the risk of being taken for granted. Learn to safeguard your interests before you invest yourself entirely into someone new. Discover your feelings prior to you pleasing others.
